tuneresponding four

[“And my life is coming but I don’t know when”
“Wasted hours before we knew
Where to go and what to do
Wasted hours that you made new
And turned into a life that we can live.”
-Arcade Fire, Empty Room and Wasted Hours

“Too much time spent on nothing,
waiting for a moment to arrive”
–Fever Ray, When I Grow Up

“We want to make this life into a living”
–Plants and Animals, A L’Oree Des Bois]

There were songs that I did not want to listen to until I felt that my future was more certain and that I had a path to a reasonable career, I was scared to think that I was going nowhere and that I was squandering my time, expending so much effort and wearing myself down without actually moving forward at all.

When I don’t accept my time, when I feel that I am in a temporary phase, I don’t make the best of my time, I don’t feel like I am growing, it’s like the five minutes of uneasy rest before an impending alarm. There is a folly in telling myself that I will be who I want to be when a current phase wanes.

But then there is the whole concept of wisdom stemming from suffering, deprivation making you realize a need when it's finally quelled. Sometimes you need to waste your life to make your life. I can think of my own years of awkwardness and misplacement before there was a certain exultation of finally knowing the way to my social niche.